


The Mistake-Laden Tale(s) of the Garreg Mach Chatrooms

by godtiermeme



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Comedy, Fluff, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:28:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22995460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godtiermeme/pseuds/godtiermeme
Summary: When Byleth Eisner proposed that a private chat for students of the prestigious Garreg Mach University be created, he imagined it to be the best idea in the history of the institution's existence. Within about ten minutes, he realizes that it's the exact opposite.
Relationships: Caspar von Bergliez & Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert, Caspar von Bergliez & Linhardt von Hevring, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd & Edelgard von Hresvelg, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Claude von Riegan, Dorothea Arnault & Edelgard von Hresvelg, Edelgard von Hresvelg & Hubert von Vestra, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 11
Kudos: 47





	1. Welcome to the House Chats

**Author's Note:**

> i've never written a fire emblem fic before [cough]imostlywritehomestuck[cough]. i know nothing about the meat of the lore, and simply love the characters. feedback is always appreciated and thanks for reading! relationships aren't really the focus but i guess they're THERE hence the tags.

**\-- BLUE LIONS HOUSE --**

Welcome to your personal chatroom, provided by Sothis Industries™! For more information, and to configure additional settings, type the help command (!help). If there are any problems, or to report any glitches, contact Sothis Industries™ at 1-800-016-3334. Please do not email support.

**\-- Chatroom created at 09:23 --**

**bylethEisner:** I’ve added you as a moderator of the chat, Dimitri. You may change your username, chat title, and the usernames of all of the other students as you please. Be aware that all name changes made in this server apply to all others, including chats that may be held between staff members! Each user may also change their username, so please tell your fellow students this information. Otherwise, have fun and enjoy this new means of communication!

 **dimitriBlaiddyd:** Wonderful! Thank you, Professor Byleth. I won’t let you down.

 **bylethEisner:** I don’t doubt that. I will be off, now. I have to make sure the other houses are settled into their chats. Thank you, Dimitri.

 **\-- [Admin] bylethEisner has logged off! Remember to study. 💡 --** **  
** **\-- dimitriBlaiddyd changed their username to dedicatedBoar --**

 **felixFraldarius:** you do know i don’t use that name as a compliment right

**\-- mercedesMartritz changed their username to localMomfriend --**

**localMomfriend:** Felix, you had better not be starting something within the first five minutes of our friendly chat being created. :)

 **felixFraldarius:** or what  
**felixFraldarius:** you’ll ban me

 **dedicatedBoar:** Professor Byleth entrusted me with the important task of moderating this chat, and I refuse to disappoint! Mercedes will not ban you, but I might, should you break the rules.

 **felixFraldarius:** and did byleth even tell you the rules

 **dedicatedBoar:** Not exactly, but I assume that the same rules that apply to our conduct on campus also apply to this chat. Regardless, I will maintain a proper sense of decorum and decency in this space. Do not test my patience on this issue, Felix.

**\-- sylvainGautier changed their username to bootyLover --**

**dedicatedBoar:** That is _not_ an appropriate username, Sylvain, and you know it. Professor Byleth would be very disappointed in your behavior.

 **\-- dedicatedBoar has changed bootyLover’s username to sylvainGautier --** **  
** **\-- sylvainGautier has changed their username to skirtChaser --**

 **felixFraldarius:** this is so stupid i’ve got better things to do than this

 **\-- asheUbert changed their username to archeryCat --** **  
** **\-- felixFraldarius has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

 **archeryCat:** Oh? Was it something I said?

**\-- ingridGalatea changed their username to chivalrousFood --**

**chivalrousFood:** No Felix is just being Felix.

 **archeryCat:** Is there any reason this time?

 **chivalrousFood:** I’m just here to make sure he doesn’t die. I’m not monitoring his thoughts. 🤷♀️ Sylvain, Professor Byleth emailed me to say that you’re missing your essay. You want to do it some time soon?

 **skirtChaser:** uh? no?

 **archeryCat:** Did you expect a different answer?

 **chivalrousFood:** How about I remind everyone of that time you hit on my grandma?

 **skirtChaser:** you’re not supposed to say the thing you’re threatening to say before you make the threat… :(

 **\-- skirtChaser has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --** **  
** **\-- annetteDominic changed their username to studiousMagician --**

 **studiousMagician:** LOL nice one ingrid

 **chivalrousFood:** Handling Felix and Sylvain for my entire life has taught me that idiots must be handled with little care. Not that I really care about Sylvain’s grades but if he starts to flunk out we all know who he’d come whining to.

 **localMomfriend:** Thank you, Ingrid, you’ve also saved me a great deal of stress. I owe you some homemade Martritz pie. 💖

 **dedicatedBoar:** SYLVAIN DID WHAT!?

 **memeingDeer:** lol wassup blue lions? greetings from the golden deer house.

 **bylethEisner:** You’re not supposed to be here, Claude!

**\-- [Admin] bylethEisner has banned memeingDeer from BLUE LIONS HOUSE --**

**bylethEisner:** Sorry about that. It appears that I had improperly configured his permissions. Please ignore that. Good day, and remember that tomorrow is Headmaster Rhea’s birthday! The staff has collectively gathered together to throw a surprise party. Of course, you’re all invited. The celebration begins at noon.

 **\-- [Admin] bylethEisner has logged off! Remember to study. 💡 --** **  
** **\-- dedueMolinaro changed their username to gardeningTime --**

 **gardeningTime:** It appears that I have missed something.

 **dedicatedBoar:** … Do not worry about it, Dedue. It was nothing of any importance.

 **gardeningTime:** Should I read the above messages to catch up with the current status of our house?

 **archeryCat:** NO.

 **studiousMagician:** you could i guess but nothing that we’ve said has been important. anyhow i have studying to do. then i volunteered to help doctor hanneman with some reorganization. you should see that man’s desk. marie kondo would have a field day.

 **dedicatedBoar:** Claude has told me about Marie Kondo. She’s the cleaning self-help guru, is she not? I enjoy her show on Netflix.

 **chivalrousFood:** Please don’t read up Dedue. You don’t need to see what I said about Sylvain.

 **gardeningTime:** I trust your intuition. I will not read up. Dimitri, you left your phone in the gym again. A kind stranger returned it to me. He said he found it beside the rowing machine.

 **archeryCat:** That was kind of him. :)

 **empressEddie:** Good morning, Blue Lions! From the superior house. ❤

**\-- [Admin] bylethEisner has banned empressEddit from BLUE LIONS HOUSE --**

**bylethEisner:** Sorry for that, too. This is not going as smoothly as I had imagined it would. Unfortunate. Please disregard this.

**\-- [Admin] bylethEisner has logged off! Remember to study. 💡 --**

**dedicatedBoar:** This is very strange, isn’t it?

**studiousMagician: 😔**

**skirtChaser:** hey! has anyone seen my textbook? last time i saw it was when i tried to hook up with that rose girl.

 **studiousMagician:** oh! you mean the one who turned out to be dating another woman?

 **chivalrousFood:** Didn’t she also punch you in the face?

 **skirtChaser:** you really didn’t need to mention that. :|

* * *

**\-- GOLDEN DEER HOUSE --**

Welcome to your personal chatroom, provided by Sothis Industries™! For more information, and to configure additional settings, type the help command (!help). If there are any problems, or to report any glitches, contact Sothis Industries™ at 1-800-016-3334. Please do not email support.

**\-- Chatroom created at 09:50 --**

**bylethEisner:** I’ve added you as a moderator of the chat, Claude. You may change your username, chat title, and the usernames of all of the other students as you please. Be aware that all name changes made in this server apply to all others, including chats that may be held between staff members! Each user may also change their username, so please tell your fellow students this information. Otherwise, have fun and enjoy this new means of communication!

 **bylethEisner:** Claude, the above was copy and pasted from my introduction page. Be aware that I am somewhat wary of handing administration privileges to you. Please don’t make my misgivings valid. Thank you!

 **memeingDeer:** don’t worry, teach. and sorry for my little outing to the blue lion house. i wanted to see how the chat worked. it won’t happen again.

 **bylethEisner:** Well, I banned you from their chatroom, so it certainly will not happen again. Now, I must go to tend to the final house to receive their chatroom. But, before I go, I wanted to remind you about the secret celebration for Headmaster Rhea. I’ve been told that you were informed of the details previously by Doctor Hanneman. Please let your classmates know!

 **bylethEisner:** Oh! And Doctor Manuela wanted me to inform you that you failed your first essay for your musical theory class. Please strive to do better. :(

 **memeingDeer:** thanks for the info, teach. i’ll see you around! ;)

 **bylethEisner:** … Please do not send me a winking emoticon ever again, Claude. Thank you.

 **\-- [Admin] bylethEisner has logged off! Remember to study. 💡 --** **  
** **\-- [Mod] memeingDeer changed the name of the chat to MEME DREAM TEAM --**

 **lorenzGlouchester:** You made Professor Byleth frown, Claude! You should be ashamed! I must agree with him. Do better. >:|

**\-- memeingDeer has changed lorenzGlouchester’s username to pointyChin --**

**memeingDeer:** okay.

**\-- hildaGoneril changed their username to bubblegumPop --**

**bubblegumPop:** Heya! This looks fun! Professor Byleth has some killer ideas, doesn’t he? There’s no possible way this could go wrong!

 **\-- ignatzVictor changed their username to painterlyCoins --** **  
** **\-- leoniePinelli changed their username to jeraltFan --**

 **memeingDeer:** really, leonie?

 **jeraltFan:** :3 you’re not my dad.

**\-- marianneEdmund changed their username to dorteMom --**

**jeraltFan:** can anyone tell me who drew a pile of string beans on my dorm whiteboard?  
**jeraltFan:** i mean it’s really well drawn but it’s kind of? confusing?

 **painterlyCoin:** Sorry! I thought that was Raph’s room. Oops. 😶

**\-- lysitheaOrdelia changed their username to glassCannon --**

**glassCannon:** Whatever idiot left their smelly gym socks in the Golden Deer commons room, you have exactly ten minutes before I put them in the fire pit by the dining hall.

 **jeraltFan:** for once they’re not mine!

 **glassCannon:** And? Who do they belong to? Their stench is starting to seep into my room. Stop living like slobs.

 **glassCannon:** Not you, Ingatz.

 **painterlyCoins:** Thank you! 😊 I do my best to keep my room clean.

 **bubblegumPop:** I’m pretty sure those are Raphael’s. He’s in the gym right now, though. He met some new kid. That weird one, who always wears shades around? Yeah, he’s a total tool.

 **jeraltFan:** he’s a weird one. he’s in my economics class and all he does is text and beatbox to himself. does anyone even know this kid’s name? how did he end up here?

 **dorteMom:** … i’m pretty sure his name is dave.

 **painterlyCoins:** Hey, Marianne! 🤗 How’re you?

 **dorteMom:** I’m busy. Bye.

**\-- dorteMom has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**bubblegumPop:** … We really need to take Marianne out for a night on the town. She needs to loosen up.

 **memeingDeer:** shit, hilda, you’re right. as always. §(*￣▽￣*)§

 **glassCannon:** Oh! So our house leader spends all his time figuring out Japanese emojis, but he doesn’t do his work or enforce housing regulations? I see. I’m watching you, Claude.

 **memeingDeer:** i’m actually mildly threatened by that, lysithea… (。_。)

 **glassCannon:** Good.

 **\-- glassCannon has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --** **  
** **\-- raphaelKirsten changed their username to muscleMan --**

 **muscleMan:** where are my socks? :(

 **bubblegumPop:** Well, it looks like Lysithea took them.

 **jeraltFan:** she just put them in the fire pit. i can see her from my dorm. you missed your chance raphael.

 **muscleMan:** aw, man. those were my only blue socks…

 **painterlyCoins:** I’ll go to Walmart with you to buy new ones.

 **muscleMan:** yeah! >:D

 **memeingDeer:** hey… has anyone seen my hairbrush? i left it on the table in the commons room. did someone borrow it? if you did, please put it back.

**\-- jeraltFan has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**memeingDeer:** please? my hairbrush… （；´д｀）ゞ

 **\-- muscleMan has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --** **  
** **\-- painterlyCoins has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

 **pointyChin:** Who changed my wonderful name to this abomination!? This is simply terrible! This is no way to treat the heir of the Gloucester Corporation! My father will certainly be hearing of this, and he will not be pleased, Claude.

 **memeingDeer:** have you seen my hairbrush?

 **pointyChin:** No! And, considering this recent infraction, if I _had_ , I wouldn’t tell you. 😣

 **memeingDeer:** how did you know it was me, anyhow?

 **pointyChin:** You’re the chatroom administrator, and I haven’t a clue how to change my display name.

 **memeingDeer:** okay. so it was me. have you seen my hairbrush?

**\-- pointyChin has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**memeingDeer:** <(＿ ＿)>

 **glassCannon:** Claude, your hairbrush has been donated to Goodwill. _Do not_ leave your crap on the small table beside the door to my room again. That is for me to display my framed butterflies, not for you to discard your unwanted things.

**\-- glassCannon has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**memeingDeer: （＞人＜；）**

* * *

**\-- BLACK EAGLES HOUSE --**

Welcome to your personal chatroom, provided by Sothis Industries™! For more information, and to configure additional settings, type the help command (!help). If there are any problems, or to report any glitches, contact Sothis Industries™ at 1-800-016-3334. Please do not email support.

**\-- Chatroom created at 10:00 --**

**bylethEisner:** I’ve added you as a moderator of the chat, Edelgard. You may change your username, chat title, and the usernames of all of the other students as you please. Be aware that all name changes made in this server apply to all others, including chats that may be held between staff members! Each user may also change their username, so please tell your fellow students this information. Otherwise, have fun and enjoy this new means of communication!

**bylethEisner:** Mr. Jeritza returned a strange looking hat with horns on it to my office this morning. It appears to be a plastic crown, and your name is written on the inside. He said he found it while tidying up the gym. Please come and pick it up at your earliest convenience, or else I will be forced to return it to your room the old fashioned way. Thank you.

**empressEddie:** Oh! My apologies, Professor Byleth! I will get this chat organized, and then come to your office. I assume I will be done around 11:00.

**bylethEisner:** Sounds like a plan. Please do not infiltrate the Blue Lions’ chat, either. If I am not in my office, you know where I will be.

**empressEddie:** Fishing?

**bylethEisner:** Of course.

**\-- [Admin] bylethEisner has logged off! Remember to study. 💡 --**

**ferdinandAegir:** You still have that dumb hat I gave you? That’s actually quite sweet, Edelgard… 😍

**empressEddie:** Say another word and I will hide your spare key again. :)

**ferdinandAegir:** Okay. 😨

**\-- [Mod] empressEddie changed the name of the chat to BEST HOUSE HANGOUT --** **  
** **\-- bernadettaVarley changed their username to bernieBear --** **  
** **\-- casparBergliez changed their username to punchyBoy --**

**ferdinandAegir:** Caspar, that is an unacceptable username for someone of your status! You should change it to be more proper and professional.

**\-- punchyBoy changed their username to punchyMan --**

**ferdnandAegir:** That isn’t what I meant, but I suppose that’s better than nothing.

**empressEddie:** You’re aware that you can’t just police what people set their username to, right, Ferdinand?

**ferdinandAegir:** My apologies, Edelgard. It shall not happen again.

**\-- bernieBear has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --** **  
** **\-- hubertVestra changed their username to blackMagic --** **  
** **\-- blackMagic has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**ferdinandAegir:** Wow. That was such a deep and immersive discussion, Hubert.

**blackMagic:** I will snap your neck and hide your body where none will find it, Ferdinand. I am busy. Do not bother me.

**\-- dorotheaArnault changed their username to operaGay --**

**operaGay:** Ferdie, did you really just try to  _ joke around  _ with Hubert? Do you  _ want  _ to get your ass kicked?

**ferdinandAegir:** No. Not really. 😓

**\-- linhardtHevring changed their username to sleepyTime --**

**sleepyTime:** Whatever Hubert is doing, it’s rather loud. It’s interrupting my nap.

**\-- petraMacneary changed their username to brigidPride --**

**brigidPride:** If it bothering you, why don’t you go ask him to be stopping the thing that bothers you?

**sleepyTime:** Too much energy.

**\-- sleepyTime has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**operaGay:** Strange.

**ferdinandAegir:** What?

**operaGay:** The fire pit looks brighter today.

**brigidPride:** I had seen Lysithea going away from the firing pit just a few minutes ago. She was seeming very happy.

**empressEddie:** She probably got fed up with her fellow Golden Deers being such slobs. I can’t blame her. 🤷♂️ I don’t know how they live like that.

**punchyMan:** Raphael has informed me that she threw his socks into the fire pit. That’s one mystery solved! Go team Caspar!

**brigidPride:** That sounds mean.

**empressEddie:** Good for her. Putting her foot down.

**brigidPride:** What is she putting her foot on? Should I also be stomping on this mystery thing?

**operaGay:** Petra, it’s a saying. Eddie means that she stood up for herself.

**brigidPride:** Ah! I am having understanding!

**ferdinandAegir:** I would love to stay and chat more with my adoring fans, but I must run! I have to meet with a friend of my father’s to discuss business. Farewell.

**\-- ferdinandAegir has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --** **  
** **\-- bernieBear sent a file. [doggy.jpeg] --**

**bernieBear:** Does this puppy belong to anyone? I found her digging through the dumpster behind the house. 😭

**punchyMan:** Oh. Ashe told me about that dog. He calls her Lady. She’s a stray.

**bernieBear:** Free pet? ☺

**empressEddie:** Bernadetta, you know that’s against the rules.

**bernieBear:** Oh… 😭

**punchyMan:** Aw, man, you made her cry, Edelgard! You’re not in the house, but she’s sobbing  _ loud _ .

**empressEddie:** Fine. But, if you get caught, I knew nothing about this. Do not @ me.

**operaGay:** Please don’t try to use internet slang again, Eddie, it’s disturbing. Did you learn that from Claude?

**empressEddie:** He said it would make me more relatable… 😥

**operaGay:** And you  _ listened _ ? Oh, Eddie, that was a mistake.

**empressEddie:** I am quite aware of this, now.

**\-- brigidPride sent a file. [unknownfrog.jpeg] --**

**brigidPride:** What is the meaning of this bike riding frog? Who is “dat boy”?

**empressEddie:** Petra, please ignore that. It appears that the hooligans of the Golden Deer house have pulled a prank by taping a meaningless internet joke on your window. Its meaning is not important.

**brigidPride:** I am seeing.

**\-- operaGay has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**empressEddie:** I must depart to retrieve something from Professor Byleth’s lost and found, before he breaks into our house again. Bless his well-meaning but misguided heart. I will return in a few hours, as I also have class. Be on your best behavior, my lovely Eagles! 💕

**\-- empressEddie has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**punchyMan:** … is now a good time to say that i accidentally knocked the black eagles sign that edelgard made off of the front wall while playing basketball?

**brigidPride:** As I have been hearing many people say in this situation: Caspar, you are fucked.

**punchyMan:** when I die please give ashe my nintendo switch. he preordered animal crossing and was going to use my switch to play it. 😢

**brigidPride:** I will do that.

**punchyMan:** thanks. i’m going to go hide and not come back out again until edelgard decides to send hubert after me instead of coming after me herself. ✌

**\-- punchyMan has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol what is beta reading. if you made it this far, thanks for reading! the support number is the number of the game followed by FE3H. please don't actually call that because i don't know what that number belongs to.


	2. The Ballad of Caspar's Near Death Experience

**— Garreg Mach Students Main Chat —**

**bylethEisner:** Hello and good morning! Remember to drop by Headmaster Rhea’s birthday celebration today, if you have time. And, if anyone is aware of who glued googly eyes to the statue of my father in the history hallway, please speak up. I’m not mad, I’m just confused.

**— [Admin] bylethEisner has logged off! Remember to study! 💡 —**

**flyingFlayn:** that was me 😗 oh he’s offline. oops.

 **punchyMan:** nice one.

 **memeingDeer:** solid prank.

 **bernieBear:** the party isn’t required, right?

 **dedicatedBoar:** It is not required, but Headmaster Rhea would very much appreciate your attendance, Bernadetta. ☺️

 **bernieBear:** Not required means not going. Bye!

**— bernieBear has logged out! Goodbye! 👋 —**

**memeingDeer:** _(:3 」∠)_ how does teach do that custom leaving text?

 **flyingFlayn:** oh! only mods and admins can do that. he said it’s a “secret” option, under the moderation tools tab.

 **memeingDeer:** flayn, you’re not even a student but if you were i’d want you in my house. haha.

**— memeingDeer has logged out! UwU for now… —**

**felixFraldarius:** that is the worst thing i’ve ever seen in a chat.

 **punchyMan:** so i guess you haven’t been in many chats then felix. lol.

 **felixFraldarius:** are you naturally this eager to be punched in the face, caspar?

 **punchyMan:** yeah. pretty much. 🤷♂️

 **felixFraldarius:** …

**— felixFraldarius has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 —**

**dedicatedBoar:** FLAYN! How could you!?  
**dedicatedBoar:** Professor Byleth will be very disappointed in your behavior.

 **bylethEisner:** Actually, I quite enjoy the statue’s new look. But I appreciate your concern, Dimitri. While I am here, please drop by my office. Someone dropped off a very nice blue throw blanket. I believe it might be yours. It’s very soft, and seems expensive. I would hate to have to keep it for myself.

**\-- [Admin] bylethEisner has logged off! Remember to study. 💡 --**

**bubblegumPop:** If it’s the one I think it is, Professor, you should _totally_ just keep it. 😉

 **dedicatedBoar:** Please don’t! I will be there immediately!

**\-- dedicatedBoar has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**muscleMan:** Has anyone seen Caspar? My training buddy was supposed to meet me at the gym this morning, but he wasn’t there. :( Is he okay?

 **brigidPride:** I am believing that I have an answer to this question. Caspar is afraid of having a kicking of his ass! （＾∀＾●）ﾉｼ

 **empressEddie:** PETRA, NO!

 **brigidPride:** Oh? Is Caspar not having a kicking of the ass? Did I use the words wrong?

 **memeingDeer:** no. you’re right. he’s going to get his ass kicked. (*￣3￣)╭ i guess edel hasn’t gotten the news yet?

 **empressEddie:** The news that you’re corrupting the pure mind of one of my dearest peers? Or is there some _other_ apparently important news that I have missed, Claude? 😠 Must you bring this up now? I am trying to prepare Rhea’s gift for the party, courtesy of the _best_ house.

 **flyingFlayn:** things are heating up in the garreg mach chat, i see. l.o.l.

 **glassCannon:** I cannot _wait_ to see this.

 **memeingDeer:** have you checked where you hung that little handmade sign on your house? you might want to do that.

 **empressEddie:** What?  
**empressEddie:** CASPAR, YOU LITTLE SHIT. 🤬

**\-- empressEddie has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**doctorCasa:** i guess this means my services will be needed soon. ✌

 **cleaningFiend:** I know you’ve logged off, Edelgard, but please don’t make too big of a mess. I just cleaned the campus. :(

 **operaGay:** Don’t worry, Cyril, I’ll follow her with some spot cleaning supplies. ❤

 **cleaningFiend:** Really? Thanks! :)

**\-- operaGay has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**glassCannon:** Might as well follow Dorothea. If anyone needs a video of this mishap, message me.

 **felixFraldarius:** i want the footage. @glassCannon

 **glassCannon:** That will be $25, Felix.

 **felixFraldarius:** i’ll meet you in the dining hall tonight. cash.

 **glassCannon:** Thank you for your business.

 **localMomfriend:** Oh, dear. What is about to happen?  
**localMomfriend:** This doesn’t look good. I will also follow Dorothea. A homicide would not be a pleasant gift for Headmaster Rhea to receive on her birthday.

**\-- localMomfriend has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

* * *

**\-- Direct Message punchyMan -- > archeryCat --**

**punchyMan:** ashe i just want you to know that you’re my best bro. my switch is under my bed in the case that bernadetta covered in cat stickers. edelgard is going to kill me.

 **archeryCat:** Huh? Caspar, it can’t be _that_ bad. Haha! But thanks for letting me know where the Switch is, I guess?

 **punchyMan:** check main chat.

 **archeryCat:** What?

 **archeryCat:** Goodbye, my friend. It’s been nice knowing you. :(

 **punchyMan:** i love you man. kinda homo.

 **archeryCat:** o7 Goodbye, Caspar. I will handle your possessions with care.

 **punchyMan:** be sure bernadetta gets some stuff too. don’t give edelgard anything.

**\-- The direct message has ended. --**

* * *

**\-- Direct Message blackMagic -- > punchyMan --**

**blackMagic:** Edelgard is currently busy with Rhea’s gift. She has dispatched me to find you. Bernadetta, however, has paid me an honorable sum to _not_ wipe your pitiful ass off the face of the planet. So, let me propose a solution: You will continue to hide until nightfall. By then, Edelgard should have forgotten about this whole affair, as Ignatz is currently repairing the sign. Should you do this again, however, I will be forced to resort to violence.

 **punchyMan:** oh my god i love you hubert. you’ve saved my life.

 **blackMagic:** I do not reciprocate even an iota of these sentiments towards you, but I would suggest thanking your girlfriend.

 **punchyMan:** she’s not my girlfriend tho. 😶 we’re just friends…

 **blackMagic:** I don’t care. ****

**\-- The direct message has ended. --**

* * *

**\-- BLUE LIONS HOUSE --**

**punchyMan:** hey dimitri the name for your house chat sucks. where’s your sense of fun? even edelgard has a fun name for her chat. not that i’m talking to her right now since you know she wants to murder me.

 **dedicatedBoar:** Caspar, while I am your friend, I do not believe that you are supposed to be in this chat. @bylethEisner Is this supposed to happen?

 **bylethEisner:** Caspar, are you currently hiding in the Blue Lions building?

 **punchyMan:** please don’t tell edelgard professor eisner. 😭

 **bylethEisner:** I won’t.  
**bylethEisner:** This is fine. Anyone in the house can use the chat, except for the heads of the other houses. Thank you for your concern, Dimitri! I hope to see you soon at Rhea’s party.

 **dedicatedBoar:** I will be there, Professor. And I have our gift for Rhea.

 **bylethEisner:** Oh!? What is it?

 **dedicatedBoar:** We procured for our dear headmaster a bonsai tree! It is very well cared for, and has been carefully trimmed. Thank you, Ashe and Dedue, for your dedication to its care.

 **bylethEisner:** I’m certain she will love it. Thank you very much! Please drop it off beside her cake when you arrive. You’ll see it. :)

**\-- bylethEisner has logged off! Remember to study. 💡 --**

**gardeningTime:** I’m quite pleased with the Professor’s reaction.

 **skirtChaser:** man! you all made byleth smile. killer.

 **dedicatedBoar:** _Please_ change your username, Sylvain.

**\-- skirtChaser changed their name to bootyBounce --**

**localMomfriend:** You really should just stop asking, Dimitri. You’re just making it worse.

 **chivalrousFood:** Honestly, Dimitri, you should know better than to encourage Sylvain’s bullshit. LOL.

 **dedicatedBoar:** >:(

**\-- bootyBounce has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**studiousMagician:** Why, exactly, is Caspar hiding in the pantry?

 **archeryCat:** Check the main chat, Annie.

 **studiousMagician:** Okay! Thank you, Ashe. 😌

 **felixFraldarius:** was someone going to tell me that the gym is locked for rhea’s dumb party or was i just supposed to figure that out myself?

 **studiousMagician:** HAHA. CASPAR IS DEAD.

 **dedicatedBoar:** First of all, Felix, the party is not “stupid”! This is a very important event during the year, and it is one of the many festive social opportunities on campus. Your attitude is simply deplorable.

 **felixFraldarius:** ok so you want to send me to maury or doctor phil?

 **localMomfriend:** Hm. That’s a good question. I think you’d be a better fit for Maury.

 **felixFraldarius:** you’re probably right mercedes. thanks.

 **studiousMagician:** Wow. Only Mercedes could get away with saying something like that to Felix, right? Sometimes, I’m in awe of her pure power.

 **chivalrousFood:** That’s a fair but very cold take, Annie.

 **punchyMan:** why would felix make it on either of those shows, tho? he’s not interesting enough for either of them.

 **turntechGodhead:** yo i don’t know who any of you fuckers are but y’all are massive nerds lol

**\-- [Admin] bylethEisner has banned turntechGodhead from BLUE LIONS HOUSE --**

**bylethEisner:** I see that some of the students have already learned how to hack into the programming. Please ban anyone who is not currently in your house. Thank you!

**\-- [Admin] bylethEisner has logged off! Remember to study. 💡 --**

**dedicatedBoar:** Who? Who was that?

 **punchyMan:** no clue.

 **studiousMagician:** I will be heading to the dining hall soon. Do you want me to take the plant with me? I’ll pass by the gym on my way.  
**studiousMagician:** … W-why is there a knife under the plant? This… This isn’t even a kitchen knife. 😓 Felix!?

 **felixFraldarius:** oh. thanks for finding that. sylvain gave it to me.

 **bootyBounce:** YOU DO CARE! I CAUGHT YOU! 😭

 **felixFraldarius:** do you _want_ to die sylvain? because the way you’re going is how you die.

**\-- bootyBounce has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**dedicatedBoar:** If Felix finally snaps and kills you, Sylvain, it will not be on my hands. I absolve myself of all guilt on that front.

 **felixFraldarius:** you’re next.

 **dedicatedBoar:** I’d be happy to spend some time with you, Felix! :) Just like old times, right? Would you like to go to the movies? The local theater will be showing some old samurai films this weekend.

 **felixFraldarius:** what? how hard do you hit your head on the ceiling every morning?

 **dedicatedBoar:** You mean when I sit up in bed, forgetting that my bed has been lofted? I do that quite often, I must admit…

 **punchyMan:** lol. this is comedy gold.

 **archeryCat:** He’s being facetious, Dimitri… 😶

 **felixFraldarius:** that.

**\-- felixFraldarius has logged off! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**dedicatedBoar: I see, now. Hm.**

* * *

**\-- Garreg Mach Students Main Chat --**

**empressEddie:** I can’t believe that Rhea liked  _ Dimitri’s  _ gift. Of all people. It’s a stupid little tree. This means war.

**memeingDeer:** i mean… you gave her cookbooks that i saw in the black eagles commons room, edelgard. and the golden deer house just printed out some stupid cards. what did you expect?

**empressEddie:** I expected the superior house’s gifts to be taken for what they were: the best offerings!

**dedicatedBoar:** I suppose we just happened to pick out the right item. Don’t worry yourself so much, Edelgard.

**empressEddie:** I will remember this day, Rhea. Mark my words.

**memeingDeer:** this is too weird for me.

**\-- memeingDeer has logged out! UwU for now… --**

**dedicatedBoar:** It seems that it is also too strange for myself…

**\-- dedicatedBoar has logged out! Goodbye! 👋 --**

**Author's Note:**

> i'm trapped on the tunglr under godtiermeme. [hmu](https://godtiermeme.tumblr.com/).


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